Racing With A Porcupine
It starts with finding a porcupine. Preferably a very nimble and directionally-skilled porcupine. If there is such a thing. Maybe your perfect racing partner says something like… sleek and sporty. Or speedy Casanova. Or just spiky rodent.
This isn’t something you can just shake a stick at. There are guidelines and it takes finesse to pair with the perfect racing partner. Humane care and capturing is governed by USDA Title 8 and we take it seriously.
Calling all aspiring handlers - you could be the next celebrated and illustrious winner of the World Famous Porcupine Race in Council, Idaho! There isn’t a set age limit to the handlers, so infants to seniors, and preferably anyone in between, can apply for a mere $25. All you need are two handlers, a broom, and a 30 gallon clean rubber or plastic garbage can. And, voila! You’re in! Oh, wait! Don’t forget the porcupine! But seriously, these are wild animals and if you can’t run faster than a tortoise, you may opt to just cheer for the other participants instead.
You just have to be able to run fast enough to catch a porcupine in the wild and also to be able to keep up with its lack of agility during the race. The average porcupine can run between two to three miles per hour. Most adults can crawl faster than that speed, but you definitely don’t want to be on your hands and knees during this race… or after it.
The real fun begins up to five days before the Fourth of July race. That’s June 30th – for everyone who brought out their fingers to countdown the days. Finding a porcupine isn’t difficult. They are in the mountains. Insider tip – they are nocturnal, so it is best to search either at dusk or dawn. They like to hide and sleep in tall grass, hollow logs, at the base of trees, and sometimes in tree branches. They literally could be everywhere except where you are searching, but don’t give up, they really are in those tight crevices all around the forest. Plenty of trailblazers before you have found their winning Spike in these mountains. They only hide from predators. Oh, wait! They might mistake you as a predator.
Now is a good time to mention that porcupines don’t ‘shoot’ their quills. When they feel the need to protect themselves, they will tighten their muscles and cause their quills to stand up making themselves look larger and scarier than they really are. You won’t be fooled by this tactic because you are smarter than that. However, if you get too close to the spikes, they will quickly and easily embed into your skin. At this point, any small movement will release the quills from Spike and they will remain attached to you. Sharing quills – it’s part of the bonding process. Each quill has microscopic barbs that will embed themselves deeper into your skin if your aren’t careful, but you are careful, so that shouldn’t be a problem. Honestly, I’m not even sure why I brought it up. You should just skip the whole bonding/sharing quills part all together and try explaining to the porcupine that there is prize money and fame for winning the World Famous Porcupine Race! Explain that the whole thing will only take a few hours and that they will be sheltered and fed like a king while they stay with you. House rules. Well, USDA Title 8 rules anyway.
Once Spike agrees to partner with you for the race, the location you found him must be clearly flagged so you can return him to the exact point after the race. I’m sure there is an app for that.
The morning of the race, Spike will need to be proudly displayed in the parade with his new racing alias clearly marked on the side. Each porcupine needs a championship name, but probably something other than Spike, I’ve already claimed that one.
Veterinarian Dr. Bruce Gardner will come to greet you and your racer as you are lined up for the parade. He completes a health check on Spike for size, age, injuries, pregnancy and other pertinent issues that only doctors know about. His service is free of charge for all racers. It is one of the ways he donates back to our community. Thank you, Dr. Gardner!
The parade and race will be right in the middle of Spike’s beauty rest time, but don’t worry about that. Porcupines instinctively love to race away from danger. Even when they are tired. Everything and everyone in the fenced racing zone will be considered a threat to your porcupine, so the Spike you find is sure to be highly skilled for this racing event and a natural born winner.
The hardest part of racing a porcupine is getting Spike to move in the direction of the finish line. You will need to keep your hands, feet, broom, and trash can inside your personal zone at all times since intentional touching of Spike during the race is not allowed. Your racer needs to concentrate after all.
You can encourage him to move the direction you want by blocking the path that leads the wrong way. Which sends a very clear message to Spike which way he should not go. Telepathic messages are allowed if Spike is just not picking up on your cues, but try to muffle those curse words… this is a family event.
The races are performed in heats with four porcupines competing at a time. The winning Spike of each heat will continue to the next heat. Before the final heat, there will be an auction competing for the forecasted triumphant Spike. Additionally, top performing porcupine handlers will be awarded at $500 for first place, $300 for second place, and $200 for third place.
So, spectators, save your fortune cookies or get out your Magic Eight Ball, or if you’re cool, use your crystal ball app, so you can bid on the victorious Spike before the final heat. Your chances of guessing the highest achieving porcupine are better than winning the Powerball. Insider tip – try to be the highest bidder. The auction fund is split between the highest bidder and the Council Chamber of Commerce – they use it to fund the event and the Fourth of July fireworks. Porcupine bidding is taken seriously at these races and you’ll want to have your ducks in a row.
After winning the race and attaining stardom, you can shuttle Spike back to the flagged area and he can return to his regularly scheduled life. He can keep the bragging rights, which isn’t a problem because you already pocketed the cash when he wasn’t looking.
Will you regret participating? Nope. No way. Not a chance! Honestly, your bragging rights may even be better than Spikes – Porcupine racing fame… Winner of the World Famous Porcupine Race! (Hooray! **cheering in background** You’re so amazing!) Seriously, how many people can say, “Yeah, been there, done that, nailed it!”?
To get started, fill out an entry form on Councilchamberofcommerce.com. They can set you up with specific information, more insider tips, and experienced porcupine handlers to give you advice and help you get going.
And for spectators, if you see any handlers around town, thank them for their efforts and give them a pat on the back, just watch out for quills!
For more information, go to Councilchamberofcommerce.com or Facebook.com/Councilidahochamberofcommerce.
